Sunday, November 25, 2012

Life's About Changing

I've never dealt well with change.  From as far back as a little girl, I can remember struggling through the normal changes that come with life, whether it be from a big move to a new city, a friendship that had run its course, a move to a new school...  To me, every change just seemed like an end.  I could never see a clear, new beginning. My Momma use to let me lay my head in her lap, she would stroke my hair and do her signature "tickle my ear" way of soothing.  Many times, she would sing the lines from an old Patty Loveless song,

"Time will ease your pain,
Life's about changing,
Nothin' ever stays the same... 
Come let me hold you and I will try, 
How can I help you to say goodbye..."

And, even though I'm an adult now, and have learned to navigate the winds of change much more swiftly, I still often times find myself humming the lines to that old familiar song.  Tonight is definitely one of those nights.  I'm not sad and I'm not regretful.  But change is still bittersweet for me.  

Tonight, I put my dream job in the past and let God finish a work in my heart that I know He has been doing for a long time.  I never thought I would be the type of mom who could be "just" a stay at home mom.  When Mackenzie was born, I wanted more than anything to be able to work.  And when I joined my current company, I was thrilled to have an identity that I believed would keep me from becoming "just another stay at home mom".  Over the course of the past few years, God has slowly but surely been  giving me a new heart and a new desire.

A few months back as I was driving to work, I prayed and asked for a way to stay at home with my kids more. And, no joke, less than two hours later, I was sitting in the office of our Executive Director, listening to her tell me that the company was making changes and that my hours would be cut.  Oddly enough, I didn't see this as a blessing.  I was angry.  I'm not sure quite why.  Clearly, God was working boldly and swiftly to answer my prayer.  I just hadn't trusted Him enough to do so and take care of the needs of our family.

So, here we are, two months later, and tonight I made a change.  I punched out of my position for the very last time and I will punch in to a new one later this week.  I'll be staying home with Mackenzie several more days a week. To say I am thrilled would be an understatement.  It's been pretty incredible to see God work from the moment I spoke that prayer, to all of the details and blurs that needed to be filled between then and now.  Every single one of them has been filled.  No detail has been left unknown.  God really did hear my heart and He met me where I was at.

More than anything, this change for me tonight is not just a job change.  This change has been one of my heart.  I'm looking back on where I was three years ago, so desperately trying to hold on to the parts of me that "were" from before I became a mom.  And here I am today, loving the life I have with my little girl when I am at home.  I can work the rest of my life.  But I can only dance in my holiday socks, and do the wiggles with my three-year-old for a short time longer. She'll be in kindergarten before I know it and I'll be in my car doing the "ugly cry" after sending her off to her first day of school.  And on the way home I'll be humming that old familiar momma song...

"Life's about changing, 
nothin' ever stays the same..."

So here's to change.  Here's to living it.  Here's to experiencing it.  Here's to embracing it and being thankful for it.  Here's to feeling...well, a little bittersweet.  But here's to seeing the clear, new beginning that change always brings.

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