Sunday, January 18, 2015

More Than A Sunrise

I've always been a girl with vision.  I dream something up, whether big or small, right down to every last detail of the way it should look or go.  And while, this isn't necessarily a bad thing... the problem is that this is real life and real life has a way of sending your ideals crashing down around you. 
My momma is probably smiling as she reads this, because she knows I'm that kind of girl.  She recalled to me recently a story about 4-year-old Brittany who had a meltdown at a baby shower because I was convinced a baby shower was suppose to be a party where everyone gave the new baby a bath.  Imagine my surprise when I showed up to a shower where the baby wasn't even born!
I think this is why becoming a momma was so hard for me.  For anyone who is a parent, you know that you have these dreams and visions of what parenting is going to be like from the start. From the way your pregnancy will go right down to your birth plan.  And well, kids just have a knack for blowing our plans right out of the water. 
Take Levi's birth for example:  After a C-section with Mackenzie, I had planned a natural birth.  I had it all typed out and I even signed and left a place for my midwife to sign.  I laugh about this now.  Boy, I didn't know what I was in for.  After 40 hours of active labor and two full nights of no sleep my midwife had to gently let me down.  There was no way I was delivering my son without an epidural.  I was going to be stuck in that bed, lying flat on my back, eating ice chips and hooked up to a catheter.  And, a gigantic ugly cry ensued.
I write all this because I still have so much to learn. I hold so tightly to these dreams and these visions of mine that I think should go and look perfectly and when they don't go as planned I feel deflated.  Sometimes I get downright angry.
Last night my husband and I packed all of our things and placed them by the door.  We had blankets and coats for each of the kids, lawn chairs we put in the car.  Our plan was to drive to the mountains and watch the sunrise.  I had this idyllic vision of what the morning was going to look like.  We would stop for coffee along the way, make it to the mountains just before sunrise and then hike to the top and plant ourselves in those two lawn chairs, each of us holding a snuggly kid, just in time to watch the sun burst over the city.  It was going to be glorious. 
But instead, one of us grumbled about being low on gas and the other got grumpy about running out of time and before we knew it, the sun was sending light over the horizon and we were snapping back and forth at each other and I was thinking, "No. No. No. This is not the perfect family morning I had envisioned!" 
At one point through tears I wailed, "I can't blog about this!  No one wants to know that we fought all the way to the mountains and that our perfect morning wasn't so perfect!" 
To which Jeremy then looked at me and said, "Brittany.  Yes, you can.  People want to read about the real stuff.  They want honesty."
And that made me laugh.  Because that's exactly why I  began blogging in the first place.  I wanted to write to other mommas to be a breath of fresh air.  So they would know it was okay to have these imperfect moments.  So that they could relax a little bit and let the messiness of life take over and guide them throughout motherhood.  Sometimes birth plans go awry and some days you'll fight with your husband over a silly thing like not filling up the gas tank.  Most days your sink will be piled high with dishes and inevitably your grocery store trip will entail some sort of toddler meltdown.
And well, that's life.
As a momma, I want my Mackenzie and Levi to grow up dreaming BIG dreams, taking lots of risks and watching dozens of sunrises. As they grow, I know that they are watching me to see how I react when my own visions and dreams don't go as planned.  And I hope and pray more than anything they are learning that sometimes messiness can be absolutely beautiful.  That often times mistakes lead to breakthrough and growth.  I hope they will learn to show themselves and others grace. 
I hope that they will know that life isn't about perfection. 
Sometimes its about stopping halfway up the mountain instead of making it to the top. 
Sometimes it's more important to hug and make up and say, "I'm sorry" than it was about creating that picture perfect moment to begin with.  Sometimes its about teaching your babies to embrace the messy and just enjoy the ride with all of the highs and lows that life brings.

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